Week 13: The Check Swing

According to the latest rumors, German Marquez won't be traded this month. This is him hearing the news.

Like a freakin' gazelle, we tell ya.

1. Tears In Nevin (Rich/Brian, 9-3-1, 2598.33 points, previously 1): The commishes had a big offensive week to overcome some lackluster pitching and earn the win against LCL. Max Muncy (27.5) returned from injury to drive in 11 runs, and Brandon Nimmo (11) returned from injury midweek to hit a ton of singles, which is apparently what he does. And the team drew 26 walks, which is par for the course. On the pitching side, Pablo Lopez (-4) took a 1-pitch loss and Clayton Kershaw (4) got rain-delayed out of a decision. 16 innings pitched isn't a great week for a fantasy pitching staff. But the spotlight of the week falls on Omar Narvaez (18), lovingly called Chunky Singles Catcher by his FBLG managers. He's a big fella, but he hits a lot of singles (6 last week) and draws a lot of walks (4). And chugs around the bases at maximum effort. Basically, he's a slow Ichiro.

2. Sunshine Carpet Cleaners (Jack, 8-5, 2411.5 points, previously 4): Well, look who's charging up the standings! Our newest and youngest owner put up 206 points for an easy win against the Arbitration Losers and vaulted into second place in the points race. All four starting pitchers put up double figures, led by Walker Buehler (18.67). The only pitching downside was Josh Hader (6) getting only one chance despite the Brewers winning all the games. Jack's offense was stellar, with all 8 hitters scoring in double figures. Chunky Met Dominic Smith (27.5) and Skinny Padre Fernando Tatis Jr. (26) led the way, and formerly Chunky Brewer Avisail Garcia (22) drove in 8 runs. If Wade Miley and Taijuan Walker continue to be a solid 3-4 in the rotation, this team has all the pieces to make a deep run.

3. Project Mayhem (Bill, 7-6, 2390.17 points, previously 2): Bill's guys took the loss and slipped to third place in the standings as Matt's BOPPers brought the thunder. You could argue that Bill had 4 potential aces coming into the week... leaving it he's down to 2, as Zac Gallen is hurt (again) and Trevor Bauer is off in purgatory. Yu Darvish (7) wasn't great, but Anthony DeSclafani (23.67 in 2 starts) continues to be strong. Even seldom-used closer Daniel Bard (21) put up big numbers! Bill's offense was steady but unspectacular, as Brandon Crawford's 19 led the way. Fat Tony Rizzo (4) was the week's disappointment, and Ronald Acuna Jr. (16) was not the necessary amount of fantastic to overcome.

The day Goldy became a Cardinal was a dark day indeed.

4. Lumber Co Lumber (John, 8-5, 2383.67 points, previously 3): Not to be outdone by TIN's rough pitching week, John's hurlers put up a whopping 20 in the loss to the commissioners. Vladimir Gutierrez (-1.67) had the worst week, but supposed aces Joe Musgrove (7) and Aaron Nola (5.67) didn't light the world on fire. John's gotten a lot out of having the only 3 Pirates hitters worth having, but Adam Frazier (9) and Ke'Bryan Hayes (5.5) had slow weeks. Hey, remember when Victor Robles was the all-world prospect and Juan Soto was just another guy in the farm system? Well, Robles is FBLG unemployed, and Soto just put up another ho-hum 24-point week as he turns into a superstar. Paul Goldschmidt (21.5) - aka "The Only Cardinal It's OK To Like" - had a good week, while his teammate Yadier Molina (21.5) - aka "The Player Who Makes It Impossible To Watch Cardinals Games On TV Without Becoming Physically Ill" - did too. Which is too bad.

5. The Rookies (Henry, 5-7-1, 2323.83 points, previously 5): Twin aces Zack Wheeler (16.67) and Corbin Burnes (16.33) continue to lead Henry's pitching staff and were enough for a narrow win against JVC. Wheeler is FBLG's leading scorer among pitchers - who saw that coming? Henry's offense was rough for the week... except for suddenly sizzling Ozzie Albies (34.5). He drove in 13 runs last week! On 3 homers and 7 singles, so timing is everything. On the more struggley side, Eugenio Suarez (0.5 points), Cody Bellinger (1), Luis Urias (0) and Steven Duggar (3.5) might as well have just sat on the couch eating potato chips last week.

6. The Misfits (Reid, 6-7, 2309.33 points, previously 6): Even when your closer has a good week, you really don't want him to be your leading scorer for the week. Not just leading pitcher scorer, mind you, but leading scorer overall! Kenley Jansen had 3 saves in 4 scoreless innings to put up 19 for the week, which is great news! But Kyle Hendricks was the best-scoring starter with 16 over 2 starts. 63 pitching points is often good enough, but only when the offense brings it. In this case... Tyler O'Neill put up 17 points to lead a handful of guys in double digits, and the Misfits barely crept over 100 hitting points. Mookie Betts (13.5) has been good but certainly not first-overall-pick good, and Reid needs him to pick it up to work back up the standings.

Yep, Willy, that's a big mug of beer. And yeah, that dude with the mustache rides down into it on a slide. Yep, you're in Milwaukee now.

7. Clemente's Bucs (Ray, 8-5, 2284.67 points, previously 7): Who would have thought at this point in the season that Willy Adames would be the star waiver wire pickup? Adames, last seen striking out 45 times in the 2020 World Series, has been reborn in Milwaukee, and was the star of a big week for Ray's Bucs. Adames had 3 homers, 9 runs, 8 RBIs, even 6 walks in a 33-point week as CB put up over 200 and beat the Misfits. Christian Yelich (23.5) doesn't have the power stroke back yet, but did draw 9 walks and score 9 runs. Even Keston Hiura (14.5) contributed! You might be noticing a lot of Brewers on this list... small wonder they just had a long winning streak. Ray's pitching was nothing special, with Brandon Woodruff (18) - another Brewer! - continuing his strong season and Chuckles Morton (18.33 in 2 starts) striking out a ton of dudes. Patrick Corbin (-1.33) was bad, which makes me happy. One more Brewer on this team and we will require Ray to rename this team Clemente's Brews.

8. Boogie Oogie Penny Ponies (Matt, 8-5, 2269.33 points, previously 8): It finally all came together for Matt, whose Ponies put up a league-best 228 points for the big win against Bill. German Marquez (34) was the week's best pitcher, and is anxiously awaiting a job in a new city. It being the Rockies, we can't wait to see which team fleeces them in return for El German Mas Grande. Freddy Peralta (20) went 0-1 despite 2 strong starts, and Drew Smyly (17.67) was weirdly good. Only closer Mark Melon Cone, er, Melancon (-0.33) was bad among the pitchers, and we strongly support that continuing. Trea Turner (33) led the offense with a big week that could have been much bigger, given that he had a 25-point day when he hit for the cycle... before getting injured. Speaking of injured Nats, Kyle Schwarber (18) finally cooled off only because his hamstring couldn't handle all the 450-foot bombs. Manny Machado (28.5) was really good, and he'll need to be as Schwarber is going to miss some time.

9. Jon Voight's Car (Adam, 3-10, 2163.5 points, previously 9): Even when things break well for Adam, he still can't buy a break. An opponent scoring under 170? Check. Pitching staff putting up 70 points? Check. And yet. JVC's offense, was putrid in a close loss the Rookies. Nick Castellanos - FBLG's leading scorer among hitters - put up another monster week with 26.5 points. The bad news is that that was more than a quarter of JVC's offense last week. Where to start? Patrick Wisdom SHOCKINGLY has come down to earth, but his 13 was among the better hitters on this team of Ian Happ, Odubel Herrera, David Peralta, Phillip Evans, William Contreras and Zack McKinstry, who combined for about 20. Alex Reyes (18.67) had a busy week, with a win, a loss and 2 saves. Caleb Smith (11) struck out a bunch of dudes but of course lost twice, because a) he gives up runs and b) he's a Dback. At least this team has Jacob deGrom, which means it will never be boring. He had an 18-point no-decision.

It's your weekly high school photo! Here's Alex Wood, and his mechanics seem... better than now?

10. Arbitration Losers (Tim, 2-11, 2089.5 points, previously 10): We won't pretend to be sad that a team full of of Giants, ex-Giants and Beavers is struggling, but we do feel bad for our ex-commish. He's battled injuries all season, and now can't get all the pieces working at the same time. His offense woke up this week, with strong performances from Joey Votto (25.5), Adam Duvall (23.5) and Trevor Story (20). Buster Posey (13.5) cooled off a bit and now is - you guessed it - battling an injury. But as the offense was strong, the pitching slumped. Only a 16-point week from closer Will Smith - including 2 wins! - kept it from being a total disaster. Ace Kevin Gausman (3) was bad for once, and Adbert Alzolay (7) and Johnny Cueto (2) didn't do much of anything. Just Alex Wood (16) - AWOOOOOO! - brought his A game. This is entirely too many Giants to write about, so we'll wrap it up here.