Commissioners' office under investigation

Where would Blake Snell have been drafted if he had signed with the Giants before the FBLG draft?

Hello, FBLG participants. I'm Rob Manfred, the 10th commissioner of Major League Baseball. But you can call me Robert Dean Manfred Jr.

I'm asking for your attention on this blog because - whether you're aware of it or not - my office has monitoring the leadership of your fantasy league so we can crack down on any malfeasance. If we've learned anything from the Houston Astros, it's that cheating is wrong!

As such, we were dismayed to learn that your commissioners plucked Blake Snell off the waiver wire. Fortunately, we've been wiretapping your commissioners' office, as well as their personal phones. If there's evidence of wrongdoing, we'll find it.

What follows is a transcript of the conversation that occurred between your commissioners after the San Francisco Giants signed Snell - so you can decide for yourself. Since Commissioner Deka placed the phone call from his musty cellar, where he stores his vast collection of Dodgers baseball cards from the 1980s, we'll refer to the recordings as The Basement Tapes. We're pretty sure that name has never been used before.

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Rich: Go for the commish.

Rob Manfred sees himself as quite the detective and refers to himself as "The Crime Dog." We don't have the heart to tell him.

Brian: Oh, thank goodness you answered. I tried calling you at the office, but your secretary just laughed and hung up when I told her I was the co-commissioner.

Rich: Huh. Yeah. Weird. So what's up?

Brian: Snell got signed by an NL team!

Rich: OK, so?

Brian: So? We're first up on the waiver wire because we drafted 10th. Seems like a no-brainer.

Rich: Why would we want THAT guy? I haven't heard his name in years, and he wasn't any good back then.

Brian: No, no, no. Rich, you're thinking of IAN Snell. I'm talking about BLAKE Snell.

Rich: Come on, man. You know I don't know anything about pitchers.

Brian: OK, well, Blake Snell pitched for the Padres last year, and...

Rich: (spits)

Brian: ... Ian Snell pitched for the Pirates like 20 years ago. Blake Snell spent time in Tampa. Won a Cy Young there and pitched against the Dodgers in the World Series? Ring a bell?

Rich: Tampa? You know I don't know anything about the American League.

Brian: (sigh) Regardless, Blake Snell just signed with the Giants.

Rich: (spits twice)

Brian: Also, he won the Cy Young Award last year for the Padres.

Rich: (spits)

Brian: Remember that? Even if he's not anywhere near that good this year, we pretty much have to claim him. If we pass, you know Ray would pick him up.

Rich: You think so?

Brian: Oh, absolutely. He's still scarred by his Pirates drafting Bryan Bullington first overall. He knows all about missed opportunity.

Rich: That's a worse draft decision than the time I let you talk me into picking Chuckles Morton.

Brian: Well, I don't regret that, I mean...

Rich: Or the time I let you talk me into drafting Erik Bedard.

Angels "third baseman of the future" Brandon Wood (left) had his best season in 2011 with Pittsburgh. His slash line was .220/.277/.347.

Brian: (pause) Mistakes were made. (pause) Anyway, why are we talking about the Pirates again? Although I do wonder who your favorite Buccos are. Other than Pedro Alvarez, obviously. I can't believe ...

*** 18 minutes of the recording appear to have been erased, so the transcript picks up where the tape does ***

Brian: ... you KNOW how I feel about Jose Tabata, and how dare you mention Brandon Wood?

Rich: Your Angels don't exactly have the best track record with third basemen, do they?

Brian: (series of expletives) Rendon (expletive). Just don't say that guy's name around Adam or Jack. Speaking of Adam, we have to make sure this Snell waiver claim is above reproach. He's still bitter about the time we claimed Aroldis Chapman under the old email-claim system when he got traded from the AL to the NL.

Rich: He's pretty good at holding a grudge, eh?

Brian: Are you kidding? He's still pissed at the Angels for trading Chili Davis for Mark Gubicza in '96. He actually sends packages of manure to the Angels' front office all the time. Unfortunately for him, he works for (redacted parcel-delivery company), so the packages are being delivered to the Mets by mistake.

Rich: I hear the Mets keep signing those manure piles to long-term contracts.

(laughter from both)

Rich: Anyway, honestly, I'm thinking it would be good to save our waiver claim rather than sign someone who plays for the ... you know ...

Brian: Giants?

Rich: (spits twice)

Brian: Why, exactly?

Rich: That's what I did last year when you were on your little sabbatical from baseball. Saved my waiver claim till the trade deadline so I could nab the best player to get dealt to the NL.

Surveillance footage shows Adam (center) greeting Angels owner Arte Moreno. An unidentified member of the front office is at left.

Brian: And what did that get you?

Rich: (unintelligible)

Brian: What's that?

Rich: (unintelligible)

Brian: Hmm? Mike Trout?

Rich: JOSH (expletive) BELL.

Brian: Wow, GM of the year right there.

Rich: Hey, I won the points title, jerk. And Josh Bell played a huge role.

Brian: Emphasis on huge. I wonder which fat tub we'd get this year if we save our waiver pick. Look out, FBLG! The commishes just added Dan Vogelbach!

Rich: So you're arguing that a guy with zero command whose resume now includes the ... you know ...

Brian: Padres and Giants.

Rich: (spits three times) A guy with zero command whose resume includes those teams is better than - OK, I see what you're saying.

Brian: Then again, how dumb will we look if the goofy lefty goes 6-12 with a 5 ERA and 200 walks?

Rich: He's a lefty? (spits four times) Well, it won't bother me if he puts up numbers like that for the orange and black.

Brian: Fair enough.

Rich: Besides, with us at the bottom of the waiver list, the other guys can fight over Trevor Bauer when the Cubs sign him.

(10 seconds of awkward silence)

Only slightly less valuable than a 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle.

Rich: OK, I'm sold. Do you want to put in the waiver claim, or should I?

Brian: Can you do it? I've got a guy coming over looking to buy 1,000 Tracy Woodson cards as a retirement investment.

Rich: It's Adam, isn't it?

Brian: (pause) Maybe? (pause) Ope, gotta go - my buyer's here. My profit from this deal means I can upgrade to the mozz sticks at Arby's tonight.

Rich: Yeah, and I need to clean up all this spit before my wife gets home.

Brian: See ya, Kenesaw.

Rich: Later, Mountain Landis.